Paradigms of Interdependence

Key Points:

We should remember that effective interdependence can only be built on a foundation of true independence. Private Victory precedes Public Victory. Algebra comes before calculus. You can't be successful with other people if you haven't paid the price of success with yourself.
You can't talk your way out of problems you behave yourself into.
An Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that's been built up in a relationship. It's the feeling of safeness you have with another human being. Your accounts that you interact with on a regular basis require more constant investment. There are sometimes automatic withdrawals in your daily interactions or in their perception of you that you don't even know about.

There are six major deposits that build the Emotional Bank Account:

Really seeking to understand another person is probably one of the most important deposits you can make, and it is the key to every other deposit. You simply don't know what constitutes a deposit to another person until you understand that individual. What might be a deposit for you- gong for a walk to talk things over, going out for ice cream together, working on a common project- might not be perceived by someone else a deposit at all. Our tendency is to project out of our own autobiographies what we think other people want or need.

Inside, even within the most toughened and calloused exteriors, are the tender feelings and emotions of the heart. Little kindnesses and courtesies are so important.

Keeping or making commitments are a major deposit and can leave a devastating withdrawal if not taken seriously.

Whether we are dealing with the question of who does what at work, how you communicate with your daughter when you tell her to clean her room, or who feeds the fish and takes out the garbage, we can be certain that unclear expectations will lead to misunderstanding, disappointment, and withdrawals of trust.
That's why it's so important whenever you come into a new situation to get all the expectations out on the table. People will begin to judge each other through those expectations. And if they feel like their basic expectations are have been violated, the reserve of trust is diminished. We create many negative situations by simply assuming that our expectations are self-evident and that they are clearly understood and shared by other people.

Honesty is telling the truth- in other words, conforming our words to reality. Integrity is conforming reality to our words- in other words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations.
One way to manifest integrity is to be loyal to those who are not present.
"A lie is any communication with intent to deceive."

It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one's heart rather than out of pity. A person must possess himself and have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in order to genuinely apologizing.