Seek First To Understand, Then To Be Understood

Key Points:

• We have such a tendency to rush in, to fix things up with good advice. But we often fail to take the time to diagnose, to really, deeply understand the problem first. If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. This principle is the key to effective interpersonal communication.
• Communication is the most important skill in life. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. They're either speaking or preparing to speak.

When someone speaks we are usually listening one of four ways:

• We may be ignoring another person, not really listening at all. 
• We may be pretending to listen.
• We may be practicing selective listening, hearing only certain parts of the conversation. 
• We may be practicing attentive listening, paying attention and focusing energy on the words that are being said. 
• Although there is a hidden type of listening that almost no one uses and that is empathetic listening. That is listening with the intent to understand. I mean seeking first to understand, to really understand. It's an entirely different paradigm. 
• Empathetic (from empathy) listening gets inside another person's frame of reference.

Satisfied needs do not motivate. It's only the unsatisfied need that motivates. Next, to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival--to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated.

Diagnose before you prescribe:

• A good teacher will asses the class before teaching. A good student will understand before he applies. A good parent will understand before evaluating or judging. The key to good judgment is understanding. By judging first, a person will never fully understand.

Four Autobiographical Responses

• We evaluate- we either agree or disagree; we probe- we ask questions from our own frame of reference; we advise- we give counsel based on our own experiences; or we interpret- we try to figure people out, to explain their motives, their behavior, based on our own motives and behavior. 

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